Unrequited

I don’t want you by the way so you could be relieved or whatever. Is what I was going to say. I didn’t know what I was feeling anyway. An infatuation crippled by fear if I’m honest with myself theirs only three words that I wanted to hear. I love you a phrase said often but never worn out never meaningless. To me the meaning is a giant teddy bear on Valentine’s Day coupled with a letter. You alone are great but with me you’d be better. I let my brain go off on a tangent then remembered that life isn’t as simple. That fairy tail world ends the day you get your first pimple. She could never want me as I do her. I convince myself it’s true. I shut away my feelings and begin anew. Because those very feelings make me alien to her. In reality I’m beyond repair. She and I will never be there. Why do I try when my very attempt is like rowing counterclockwise. These potent feeling I despise never go away. Every time I see her face my fortifications melt. Leaving my tender heart unprotected. I want to protect myself from a pattern that I see far too often. I know that it will happen. So I will just stop. I’ll store my heart in a cardboard box next to the Valentine’s Day card I hoped to get her. Maybe next year I tell myself. Uncertain if I’m being truthful. I should be over them their old news but I always choose the path that hurts the most. I wish I could wake up and be done. That’s the most fair thing to do. What my mind see sees as so simple my heart is blind to. I’ve convinced myself that theirs still a chance despite the signs. At the winter ball or after a basketball game. The the irony of it. That though my mind pains and my heart weeps whey love to play this game.